When Expectations Destroy Human Connection
(…and how to avoid this common trap)
In this journal entry, we’re going to dip our toes into the vast topic of expectations. We will return to this topic many times in the future, shining a light on different facets of this potential connection-killer and discovering how to make the process of setting and accepting expectations a valuable asset for relationship-building and productivity.
The Principle
You can listen to me share The Principle for this journal entry, read it below, or both!
Expectation
An expectation is an outcome we anticipate. Expectations are heavily based on our values, experiences, and vision (the V-E-V of VEVA, the core framework of the HumanlyConnected ecosystem).
We all set and accept expectations. Whether by design or by default, this is a reality for all of us.
The key to doing this by design — and, therefore, reaping the benefits that carefully crafted expectations can deliver — is setting and accepting expectations with foresight.
Expectations that are misaligned with reality cause frustration and disconnection.
Expectations that are tightly aligned with reality are powerful assets in building people, relationships, and success — individually and collectively.
3 Categories of Expectations
Expectations can be sorted into three distinct categories:
1. The expectations we place on ourselves,
2. The expectations we place on others, and
3. The expectations we allow others to place on us.
Note the use of the word “allow” in that last category. It’s important to note that we are in charge of how all three of these categories show up in our individual situations and what we do with them.
Expectations We Place on Ourselves
We’ve all had the experience of placing unrealistic expectations on ourselves. This is a peace-shattering, performance-destroying act. When we learn to discontinue this unproductive practice, the skies are a little brighter in our worlds.
Expectations We Place on Others
We’ve also all had the experience of placing expectations on others, which have not been met by their performance. This is frustrating — for the other party and us. Yet, as friends, family members, business colleagues, bosses, and many other roles, we continue this unhealthy and unfruitful practice daily.
Expectations We Allow Others to Place on Us
Finally, we have all taken on others’ expectations of us and our performance despite our desires not to. We know the expectations aren’t realistic. We may not even be on the same page regarding the purpose the expectation is meant to fulfill. Yet, we find ourselves in that familiar place one more time… marching to the beat of someone else’s drum because we feel some sense of obligation, fear, or other emotion that keeps us from feeling we have the right to speak up and be involved in the decision-making process.
The Negative Effect of Misaligned Expectations
When any one of these three categories of expectations is misaligned with our realities, our performance is hindered.
When any two of these categories are at play simultaneously with regard to the same situation, it’s difficult to even know where to begin to attempt to reach a positive outcome.
In the cases that all three of these categories are active at the same time with misaligned expectations surrounding a given pursuit, we can kiss success goodbye. We’re stuck.
Let’s look at how we can ensure that we’re consistently setting and accepting expectations with care, so they become beneficial assets and not peace-destroying liabilities for us, others, and our organizations…
The Practice
You can listen to me share The Practice for this journal entry, read it below, or both!
Foresight
I mentioned foresight earlier. This is the high-level “what” that keeps us from entering into ill-fated expectations.
Foresight involves:
• Pausing to consider the big picture before setting expectations on ourselves…
• Thinking ahead and considering others before setting expectations on them…
• Engaging in conversation to become clear about others’ expectations of us before accepting them (and collaboratively adjusting them when they are not aligned prior to allowing them to be put on our plates)…
These simple acts, consistently engaged as part of our natural interactions, transform what can become light- and peace-destroying cancers into performance-enhancing, light-giving, peace-bringing assets for us and everyone we influence.
That’s the “what” of engaging foresight in setting expectations with care. Now let’s look at how to practically apply this using the VEVA framework.
Applying VEVA
The elements of VEVA are particularly helpful in avoiding the negative results of creating and accepting misaligned expectations while, at the same time, transforming would-be negative scenarios into positive, success-building, connection-creating situations for everyone involved.
I mentioned earlier the simple process of pausing, thinking, and engaging in conversation prior to setting or accepting expectations. Here’s a simple way to use VEVA to do this:
Self-imposed Expectations
When setting an expectation on yourself (for example, stating the amount of work you’re going to accomplish in a given amount of time), pause for a moment and consider 1.) why you’re placing the value you are on the work to be accomplished, 2.) what your experiences are with completing such work in the past, and 3.) the purpose, or vision, you foresee accomplishing by completing the work.
This quick exercise can help you rethink the work itself, the timeframe you’re giving yourself to accomplish it, alternative ways to complete the work or accomplish the work’s purpose, and other insights you simply won’t gain without this simple process.
Expectations Placed on Others
When setting expectations on others (for example, the grade your child is going to get in a given class at school), think through the expectation by mentally stepping into the other party’s world and consider 1.) what they value, and how meeting your expectation is going to help them remain true to their values, 2.) what their experiences are that either support of diminish the possibilities of their meeting your expectation, and 3.) their vision regarding the benefit they will receive for reaching the mark you have established.
Wow! Can you see how easily setting expectations on others can turn into a ticking time bomb? What we usually discover in this process of thinking through these points momentarily before placing an expectation on another person or group is that to fully step into their worlds and ensure we arrive at a mutually beneficial expectation, some conversation is likely necessary. Using the VEVA framework (access the full course HERE) becomes highly valuable in making sure the expectations we set on others will result in positive outcomes for everyone involved, instead of driving a wedge between us.
Expectations We Allow Others to Place on Us
When accepting others’ expectations of us, it’s often helpful to disrupt the situation with an appropriate conversation to ensure alignment of the expectation with our ability and willingness to meet it (see “The Positive Power of Disruption” for more on how to tactfully disrupt others’ flow without conflict).
In these conversations, we have the opportunity to 1.) consider the alignment of both/all parties’ values that apply to the situation at hand, 2.) share and discuss collective experiences that mold the expectations of both/all parties, and 3.) ensure that a unified vision is clearly defined that aligns with the individual visions of both/all parties.
This may sound like a lot. It doesn’t have to be.
As you master the use of the VEVA framework, you’ll find it creates quicker, more natural conversations than the way most of us have been trained to interact, while delivering the consistent result of more effective and productive results.
When using this approach, it’s amazing how often something said by one person turns on a lightbulb for another party in the conversation — saving time and resources while achieving more desirable results.
Assuming we share common values, experiences, and visions is a costly mistake most people make multiple times every day.
Ensuring that our values, experiences, and visions are aligned before establishing expectations is a time- and energy-saving exercise that not only results in more productive outcomes but also builds relationships and strengthens human connection.
As I mentioned earlier, this is just the beginning of many conversations we’ll have about expectations. This is a starting point. Process the thoughts you’ve had as you read this. Read it again. Write a few key notes that will help you remember the elements of this practice that spoke to you.
As you make a conscious effort to set and accept expectations with care, your relationships, your productivity, your clarity, and your peace will increase dramatically.
Remember, the most powerful way to make these principles and practices integral pieces of your life is to have conversations about them with others — acting as a facilitator of their opportunities for discovery and a guide to help them implement what they discover. Make sure to download and share The Conversation Starter below, then set a time to dive into the conversation with others. As you gain insights, please come back and share them in the comments of this journal entry for the benefit of your fellow HumanlyConnected community members. Thank you!
The Conversation Starter
Download. Share. Have a Conversation.
You’re a facilitator in your realms of influence (family, team, employees, civic settings, etc.). Share this downloadable conversation starter with others in advance of your meetings (staff meetings, training sessions, family councils, brainstorming / innovation / problem-solving huddles, etc.) so they can come prepared to engage in meaningful dialogue.
The conversation starters provided in each issue of HumanlyConnected can be used in regular weekly meetings or accessed as needed to meet specific topics and needs.
This week’s conversation starter: When Expectations Destroy Human Connection
Enjoy your conversations!